It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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