3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I am spending my child support on dildos
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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