I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
