I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
