dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
