Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
