My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
