Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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