Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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