we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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