when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
