Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
