Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
