I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
