Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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