im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
