just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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