i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
