remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
