Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
