She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
