Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
