she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
