Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
