So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
