FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize