I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
