Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
