ya dads aren't the best wingmen
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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