My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
