I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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