i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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