He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
