I met the friendliest cop last night
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
