Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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