dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
