I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Just invented taco cereal.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
