You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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