Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
