i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
