Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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