I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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