I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
