life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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