we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
