Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
