i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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