The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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