Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
