i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
