i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
