i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I think your dad took our porno
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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