So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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