I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
