I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
