I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
