I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
jump out the window naked night went bad
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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