I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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