i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
